Today, I Wore My Grandma's Pin

My fingers fiddle with the clasp, on the back of my grandma’s pin.  I admire the rhinestones in a perfect circle.  I remember the pin on her lapel, almost magical, it glistened star flecks on her face.

Today, I pin it to my vest and wear it with fondness.

I recall her face, perfectly round.  I hear her voice, although it’s grown more and more distant as the years pass.  I can barely make out the way she said my name, and sometimes called me ‘Dolly’.

I reach out to remember the feel of her hands aged.  I desire to lay my head upon her chest again, and hear her reassure me that ‘whatever’ it was for the moment, it would be all right. 

Tears turn on easily. 

I search for her ornaments on my tree.  Angels once hers with sweet, serene faces, hang from branches green, playing instruments. 

I remember Christmas’s past with her presence, my greatest gift.

I pull out the scrapbook album my mother made and find the picture of my grandma and me, many years ago.  

Snow flakes frozen in the photo, rest on us.  We huddle close, not because of the cold, but because we love.  

We bake strudel.  She makes me laugh.  I am safe with her.  She loves me for who I am.

It’s been fourteen years since she passed.  Memories of her stir sweetly in my heart today.

Yes, I miss my grandma this Christmas.  

Memories Know No Time

It’s the way the rainy mist hits the glass and is quickly swept away be the windshield wipers and the way that trees glow bold. The way the leaves smell and crinkle red and orange and yellow and brown.  It’s the temperature outside – a chilly, damp 38 degrees. 

It’s the gentle heat that blows out of the vent, across my feet as I do dishes.  It’s the look of the half dead impatiens in the window box outside of my kitchen window, yellowed, weak, but trying to look brave.  It’s the few leaves that cling to nearly empty branches, holding on for dear life.

It’s my feet in my clogs instead of my flip-flops. It’s my black fleece jacket I slip on soft because I am chilled.  The tender way a close friend says my name. The words to a song.

They all – together, not one on its own -- bring back memories for me this month, memories of difficult times, and I will admit -- it is hard.  I love fall, but it also carries along with it sorrow.

I heard it said recently that memories know no time.

I think it’s true.

In an unexpected moment we remember something from our past, not begrudgingly, but honestly, regardless of whether it has been days, weeks, months or years. 

Memories are enigmas to me.

They are so incredibly tangible and yet mysteriously untouchable. Present in the present, and yet from the past.

I try to reach out and grab hold of them, either to embrace them or push them away.

And I cannot do either.

They slip away, like the fine mist outside, and yet, they are all around me, touching my skin, striking my heart.

And although they can sometimes be difficult to face, I think in a very hope-filled, God graced way, they can be valuable.

At least that’s how I’m trying to look at them this month.

I’m trying to face them, lean in to them, and take them to the Lord.

And I’m asking Him to remind me of –

Who He is --

What He taught me --

How He provided for me --

The ways in which He loved me, loves me --

And where He has brought me -- today.

Hoping, trusting, that somehow – He is still bringing beauty.

Remember 9/11

I sat in my family room, on the edge of the arm of the couch. I returned home from bringing my kindergartner and first grader to school, and found myself staring at the television.  My two year old played on the floor with his little toys; my eight month old daughter slept in her crib for her morning nap.


It was the morning of September 11, 2001, and life would never be the same again -- for many, for most, perhaps for all. 


At 8:46 AM, the north tower of the World Trade Center fell, after being hit by a plane hijacked by terrorists. Soon after, the south tower fell, the Pentagon was hit, and a plane went down in a field in Pennsylvania -- all by the same demise.  Terrorism. 


As Americans, we were shocked and greatly grieved by the events.  Time seemed to stand still and yet it seemed to move in fast forward.  We were flooded by uncertainties.  Bombarded with questions. Washed over by fear. We cried for the families who were involved. We were overwhelmed with the prospect that "it could be my family, too."


Today, we are called to remember.  We remember so that we do not forget, because we are a people prone to forgetting.  And we remember to honor -- because we care.


We remember and honor those who died at the hands of the terrorists -- nearly 3,000. 


We remember and  honor the families who grieve and who bravely walk through each day, not understanding, but persevering.


We remember and honor those who acted bravely -- serving, caring, digging, rescuing -- loving in action.


We remember and honor those who have fought (and are fighting) protecting our country, protecting our freedom, protecting you and me.


Yes, there are many things I will never understand. This is one of them. But today (and every day) I can remember, honor and pray.


*  Where were you when you heard about the travesty on 9/11?
*  How are you remembering today?

A Walk Down Memory Lane

I sat down to work on a short devotional that I was asked to present at our women’s Bible study. Instead of looking through other books, I decided that I would review my blog and see if there was anything that I could tie in to the lesson that was being taught from the book of Deuteronomy.

As I walked down memory lane, through the myriad of entries over the past ten months, I realized that I had posted over one hundred twenty times. My desire had been, back in December of 2008, to share stories and truths about what God was teaching me through a great time of trial. I had set out to look for Him amidst the days (and nights) and to record all that I learned about Him and about myself, hoping that it would be an encouragement to others. What I didn't realize at the time was how valuable what I wrote would be to me. I now am able to look back and remember where I was, Who God was and is, and how He brought me out of my own “Egypt” step by step. And He continues to do so.

What I can say today with great certainty, because I have lived it, is that God is amazing. As I look back through the months entries, I now know that I would never have remembered all of the details if I had not written them down. Only because I recorded them, time and time again, can I now remember and be assured of Who God is. God is faithful. He is my Redeemer. He is my Strong Tower. He is my Fortress, my Protector, my Counselor, and the Lover of my soul. He does show up (not that He ever left); He is ever present. I am His treasured possession. I do not need to worry. Truly, He has taken care of all of my yesterdays and will continue to take care of all of my tomorrows.

Remembering, dear reader, helps to combat doubt and despair. My friend Lori is teaching our women’s study right now and she so clearly and wisely said, “Remembering what God has done gives us confidence in His character.” She is right, and as I look through the months, I can see how, like the Israelites, the Lord, has carried me (Deuteronomy 1:31) and I have grown to know Him deeply and love Him more.

I am so thankful that I started this blog. At first, I wasn't sure what direction it would take or if I could even keep up with it. I guess that is testimony to God's faithfulness, in itself. Not only do I believe that God has used it (and is using it) as part of His healing balm for me, He is also using it as a continual reminder of His unfailing love.

Today, I encourage you to remember what God has done in your life. Begin a journal or a blog and record what He is teaching you and how He is comforting you. As you seek and write down the pearls that God gives you, you will grow more confident in God’s character, His faithfulness and so much more. You will have a living testimony of God’s love for you.

(P.S. If you start a blog, let me know; I’d love to follow the story that He is writing in your life. It would bring me great joy to hear more about His character and His love, through you.)

When in Doubt, Remember God's Faithfulness

The thing about times of trouble and suffering is that there appears to be so many unknowns. We are barraged by troubles from the outside and from inside, and when uncertainty prevails, it is not unusual for us to doubt.

We doubt ourselves and we doubt God. We wonder, perhaps not whether He really exists, but more whether He really is at work in our current situation. Sometimes He reveals Himself immediately, and other times He seems to be at work behind the scenes. It's hard for me when I am not getting quite a clear picture, or perhaps even more so, when the picture that is coming in to view is not quite what I thought.

In the last couple of days I have been thinking (and trying to believe myself) that the solution to doubt and worry is to remember. To remember what the Lord has done in the past, and to remember that He is a faithful God who cares for the ones He loves and who love Him. The Lord brought me to Psalm 77 tonite.

Perhaps these questions are at the tip of your tongue or the forefront of your heart, too.

"Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Psalm 77:7-9

But, let us say along with the Psalmist.

"Then I thought,'To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High.'
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds."
Psalm 77:10-12

Yes, I am trying to do this, too. I am remembering what God has done in the past. I look at the stories of truth in the bible and I see that He is a God who saves. And then I look at my own life and I choose to remember that God has been faithful to me in the past, and I will trust that He will remain faithful to me in this trial, as well. God comforts me when I call out to Him and remember His faithfulness of the past. I will choose to trust in Him.

Immanuel -- God With Us

Two and a half days before Christmas, and I feel like it is "game on." I don't know about you, but I am having a hard time focusing on ... well, just about anything. Yet, there are still a hundred and two things to do, and unfortunately, life doesn't stop for the holidays. Our trials and suffering do not take a vacation during Christmas. If anything, they feel all the more accentuated and exhausting.

So, what can I do? I was remembering Hebrews 12:2, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith," a long side of Matthew 1:21-23, where the angel of the Lord speaks to Joseph in a dream about not being afraid, He says, "She will give birth to a son, and you are to give the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins. All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 'The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will will call him Immanuel' -- which means, 'God with us.'"

I need to remember that we are celebrating the birth of our Savior ... God with us. And God is with us, now. Right at this very moment, when I am tired, is the time when I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. Not just the Jesus of the manger, but the Jesus who is the author of my faith, the author of my life, and the Jesus of my ever breath.

I remember that He is all that He is said to be to me, personally. My Light of the World. My Savior. My Redeemer. My Comforter. My Prince of Peace. My Rock. My Fortress. I am trying to recall all the ways that He has shown Himself to me in all of these ways, yesterday, last month and over the last year. And in all of who He is, He comes and binds up my broken heart and sets me free, and perhaps, you are aware of His doing the same to you.

What about you, dear friend? Ask Jesus to show you who He is and has been to you over this past year, as you look to celebrate the greatest event of all time. Who is Jesus to you this Christmas?