Friday, May 3, 2013

I Know It's Not About Me (and yet ... He's for Me!)

Today, I am worn out and depleted. 

Bone dry and desert weary. Hollowed out.  Sensitive to the touch.  Weak and feeling frail.

I pulled my hair up in to a ponytail and threw on a sweatshirt, ran the kids to school and came home to clean.

I half-heartedly cried out to the Lord, “I need you, Lord! Please help me.”

I checked emails and checked Facebook, instead of checking in with Him first.

I scrolled through postings, when my eye landed on a little sticky-note shaped quote that read -- “It’s not about you.”

What?  This did not feel like help from the Holy One.

 “Yes, Lord, I know it’s not about me. I’m sorry. I just meant that I could really use some …”

My thoughts drifted off.  Probably should be stronger. Probably should be more faith-filled. Probably should be more content. Probably should be peppier. Probably should not ask. Probably should not be so needy.  Probably should not be so self-focused. Probably should not be so pathetic. Probably should not be so weak. Probably should not be so … anything.

The “should and should nots” shrouded me in shame.

I felt worse and worse, until I felt Him.

“My dearly beloved, relax.  Rest. It’s not about you, but it’s for you. I AM for you.”

A soft sigh breathed from my heart. 

I know it's not all about me. I know it's really all about Him. However,  sometimes I get confused and think that means He's not for me.  

As the cloths of shame unravelled and fell at my feet, He replaced them with wrappings of remembrance -- remembrance of who He is, how much He loves and cares for me, and how dear I am to Him.

I'm gradually coming back to life, and trying to get a grip on why I am so depleted and worn out. 

I'm still short on answers, and feeling like I have very little to give, but somehow, I don’t think He’s looking for that from me -- today.  

I think He may be just looking for me to just look at Him.


Lynn Engstrom said...

Thank you... I needed this.

Andrea K. Van Ye said...

thanks, lynn. i even hesitated to post it, but so glad i did if it ministered to your heart. praying for you!

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