"I Don't Know How to Trust You in This, Lord!"

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I'll cut right to it -- I've been worrying. Yes, worrying.

I'll spare the details for now, but I am worrying about my oldest son. He's my boy (a young adult, actually) with Cerebral Palsy. He's struggling, and I probably don't have to tell you, so am I.

For days and weeks, the heart cry that continually wells up from deep within my soul is this --

"I don't know how to trust You in this, Lord!"

The thing is, I get that we are to trust the Lord. I've heard it said, I've read about it, and I've even taught about trusting Him.  He's clear as to what we are to do.  We are to trust Him and Him alone.

But what does it look like for me today? What does it really look like to trust Him in a particularly painful situation?

Maybe you're asking yourself that question.

Maybe you're in a dark place, a difficult place, a deeply uncertain place, a broken dream place.

Maybe your marriage is failing and your heart is breaking. Maybe your child is suffering and you are bewildered as to what to do next.  Maybe you are experiencing a conflict in a relationship and are unable to come to a resolution. Maybe you are hurting physically, and there is no relief for your pain. Maybe you feel lost and loneliness permeates your days.

And perhaps you, too, are asking "What does it look like to trust You, Lord?"

I wish there were easy answers, quick answers, simple 'cookie cutter' answers.  I wish there were 'one-size fits all, pull off the shelf, slip on and go' answers. I wish there were 'clear margined' answers. I wish there were 'one-stop-shopping' answers, or 'drive-through for fast food' answers.  

More and more, I'm finding that it is not so.

And to make it more complicated, lately, I've been asking (pleading) and it seems as if the Lord's been silent.

Until this week.

In what seems like the millionth time of asking for something, He gave me a thought, something to imagine, a place to focus and remember.

When I don't know what to do, and uncertainty washes over me, like one wave after another, He gave me a picture -- a picture of Him dancing with me. 

"Come waltz with Me," I felt Him say as He pressed close to my heart.  And in my mind, I saw Him wrap His strong arm around my weary waist and His mighty, gentle hand grab hold of mine.

"Look in to my eyes, my dear one, and dance with Me.  One-two-three. One-two-three. One-two-three."

"This is what trusting Me looks like for you, right now."

"Do not look down at your own feet. Look at Me.  Feel My warm embrace.  Feel My love for you. Stay focused on Me, then when I move, you will move, to the right and the left and the front and the back.  When I pause, you will pause.  Follow my lead."

And, so, I've been picturing myself with Him. I am conscious of His warm embrace around my waist and His Holy Hand, holding me firm. I am gazing at Him -- only Him -- and I am moving with Him.

It's what trusting Him looks like for me today, in this time that He has made for me.

I'm not sure what He is doing or where He is going, but I am certain that no matter the trial or trouble or tear drenched difficulty, I am held secure in His loving arms.

Tomorrow, it may look different, as to how to trust Him.

But today, I am leaning in to His love and waltzing with Him.

What about you?  Do you ever struggle with what trusting the Lord actually looks like? How has He shown you?

Two Simple but Powerful Words -- But Jesus

From Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ"

Recently, I spoke at our women’s bible study on The Woman Caught in the Act of Adultery in John 8 (click here, if you’d like to listen to it), and two words keep coming back to me, as the weeks have passed. I have been reciting them to myself, asking the Lord to show me how to trust these words and Him, as I live and love.

But Jesus …

The woman caught in the act of adultery stood condemned. She was outwardly condemned as others looked down on her for what she did, with plans to stone her, and I’m pretty sure inwardly condemned, as she looked in at her choices.

The word condemnation has a critical overtone. A harsh, humiliating, demeaning, feel that says, “you’re wrong. You’re bad. You’ve failed.”

When I stand in the sand with this woman, I can relate.  Maybe you can, too. Different circumstances, different choices, different stories, but similar experiences of condemnation with resulting shame.

Condemnation will come in this life. I don't like it, but it will.

Sometimes others judge us, belittle us, tell us verbally or non-verbally, that we are worthless. We may have been treated harshly, been humiliated and been hurt because of the judging actions of others.

Sometimes we condemn ourselves. Filled with shame and guilt over choices that we’ve made, we hold ourselves captive to condemnation.

And sometimes we experience condemnation from the evil one. He tries to put us down and tempt us to hopelessness. He wants us to think that we are too much, too late, and too far gone.

Condemnation will come in this life -- but Jesus ...

The woman in this story is dragged in to the presence of Jesus, and a crowd of onlookers.  The religious leaders are using her as bait to trap Jesus; they don’t care about her.  Jesus knows that, and he does the unexpected. He turns things upside down.  He is radically different, extremely different!

“But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with His finger.”  (John 8:6b).

In an amazing act of compassion and care, all eyes went to Jesus and off of her. 

Why does He do that? I can’t be sure, maybe that just how Jesus is; He gave her the gift of relief.  Shortly after that in the story, He would give her an even greater relief, the gift of freedom and forgiveness, when he said to her, “… neither do I condemn you. Go now, and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:11).

He does the same for us.  Outwardly, others may put us down. Inwardly, we may put ourselves down, but Jesus …

Two simple but profound words that we can remember and rehearse when the world closes in -- but Jesus.

I would like to share with you what I read at the end of the lesson that day.  I don’t know where you are today, but maybe you are in need of a reminder that you are seen by the Lover of your Soul,  and that He is here for you, willing to give you relief and freedom.

Others may put you down for what you’ve done or not done, but Jesus … He stands for you, and is here to help you.

You may put yourself down, but Jesus … He loves you.

Others may treat you like trash, but Jesus … He sees you as a treasure.

Others may use you like an object, but Jesus … to Him you are a person, with great value.

You may feel poorly about yourself, but Jesus … You matter to Him.

You may feel abandoned and rejected,  but Jesus … He will never leave you nor forsake you.

You may feel alone, but Jesus … He is present and embraces you.

You may feel like you are mistake rather than made a mistake, but Jesus … He does not shame you, making you feel like you are a mistake. He created you and made you for a purpose.

You may feel humiliated, but Jesus … He does not humiliate you, He holds you.

You may be unjustly judged, but Jesus ... He sees and knows all.

You may have lost your way, and are scared that you’ll never find your way, but Jesus … despite our problems and our mistakes, He shows us the way to walk with Him. 

You may feel hopeless, but Jesus ... He gives us hope. He is our hope!

You may feel like a ‘nobody,’ but Jesus …  He thinks your somebody, somebody important enough to die for.

But Jesus -- But Jesus --But Jesus

How My Giving Up Led to His Giving More

Something in me was eeking to get out on the page.  I could just feel it. There was something I wanted to say.

I sat down and started to write.

But, I got nowhere.  Sure, there was a phrase here or a thought there, but for the most part – there was nothing.

“Certainly there was something,” I strained intensely.

But, try as I hard as I could -- there was nothing.

I finally gave up.

I had emails that I wanted to respond to. My inbox was full of flagged items from days ago.

“Fine,” I fumed at myself (and semi-secretly at the Lord). “I’ll just forget writing and get something more productive done.”

It was then that I remembered an email, sent from a woman that I do not know.  Several days prior, she wrote to me, sharing a portion of her story, and thanking me for a post that I wrote, encouraging me to keep on writing, that it made a difference to her.

I responded back with words of care concerning her particular situation, and gratitude for her note, thanking her for her words of encouragement regarding my writing.  I shared with her how just that evening, I wanted to write something, but it just wouldn’t come, and how I was frustrated and doubting my ability. I thanked her for her kindness that helped me persevere. 

Within minutes, a note from her pinged in to my email box.

“Oh but Andrea … you did write something tonite!  Even if it was just to me … maybe that is all God wanted you to do.  Never the less, you blessed me again.”

God used my brief interaction with Trudy to remind me of something very important, that I tend to forget. 

I need to be more mindful of what God wants me to do, rather than mindful of what I want to do for God.

Maybe when I give up my way, He uses it to give more?

I mess it up, that’s for sure! I turn it upside down, inside out. I focus on what I can do for Him, and lose sight of what He may be asking me to do.

It applies to my writing and it applies to my life, my relationships, my thinking, my doing. 

I’m working on listening to the Lord more, giving up doing and thinking things my way, and trusting Him more.  

It's a tough battle for me. Good thing I have Jesus.

What about you?  Ever find that the thing the Lord is asking you to do is not what you planned on doing for Him? Have you ever given up your way to find that, in that, He does even more?

A Free Falling Faith Into My Father's Arms

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I wasn’t planning on posting today.  I’m speaking tonite for a women’s group and am in full prep and prayer mode, but I love what came in an email to be today,  from a friend, and  just had to write about it.

One of my (many) issues is – trust.  I won’t get in to all the reasons why that may be so, but suffice it to say – I sometimes i struggle with trust, and sometimes even (deep breath) trusting God.

My friend wrote to me about something going on in her life, and then added these words.

“My greatest desire is to be totally dependent on God and to let my desire to have a plan and be in control not be a stumbling block for what God wants to do in my life. To be able to free fall into my Father's arms.”

… to be able to free fall into my Father’s arms …

I love it!  That’s my hearts desire, too … to be able to free fall into my Father’s arms.

I’ve never been to a ‘team building workshop,’ but I’ve heard of them.  Often times, they’ll build ‘team trust’ (I don’t know if they call it that, but it sounds good) by having a group of people stand behind one person, tell the one person to close their eyes and fall back freely, learning to trust that their team members will catch them.

Sounds scary to me.  I’m not so sure if I’d be the first to raise my hand to give it a whirl.  Truth is, I may be the first one to try and peek over my shoulder or stick a leg out when I’m at about a 30 degree slant, in order to catch myself, just in case. 

Either way, it’s a good picture for me to super-impose on my relationship with the Lord and my willingness to trust Him.  

Do I trust Him enough to lie back and let Him catch me? 

I posed that same question to my friend in a return email. 

She responded.

“I struggle with that free falling kind of trust. I would rather just "Martha it" myself, but I do believe that He would love for me to trust Him unhindered and uninhibited. I want to let go of my desire to control, let Him take the lead and trust like a little child.  He has given me every reason to do so.”

Just the what I needed to be reminded of today, my "free falling faith kind of friend."  I suppose Someone knew that.  

I’m heading off to teach tonite.  As usual, I’m nervous and feeling a bit vulnerable, but I’m going to show up with a ‘free falling kind of faith’ and trust the Lord to take the lead.  He has given me every reason to do so.

Will I Trust Him Even When I Do Not Understand?

It’s not that it was something bad; it’s just that I had a sense that the timing wasn’t right.

I had to hold back on an opportunity for one of my children.

I knew she was disappointed.

“Why can’t I do it, mom?  It will be fun! I’ll be fine!”

There were a number of reasons I didn’t want her to go.  I knew she was tired and I knew what was on the schedule for the days to come.  I knew a few more things, though, too. Things that I felt were not necessary for her to understand at this point.

“We’re just not going to do that today,” I encouraged her, my hand of gentle care and concern, cupping her heart.

“But, why?” she pleaded. “Why?”

She persisted. I listened.  

And then wise words welled up from deep within me, and I spoke softly to her.

“Honey, can you trust me?  I think you’re tired, the days ahead are going to be full, and I just don’t think that this is good for you, today. Will you trust me, even if you don’t understand?”

She thought about it for a few minutes. Who can blame her? Trusting when reasons are not crystal clear, is not easy.

“Yes, mom.  I trust you.  It’s hard, but I will.”

You see, sometimes I am the little girl with plans.  I have high hopes of wanting situations to go a certain way. I have things to do, places to go, people to spend time with, and I think they are good – good for me. 

But there are times in my life, like right now, when God says, “No, my dear. Not now.”

I pleadingly persist, and He listens.

And then I finally listen, and realize that He says to me what I did to my daughter (I knew I had learned it from somewhere), “Are you willing to trust Me, honey? I know you are disappointed about My holding back on an opportunity for you. However, I think you’re tired. The days ahead are going to be full; I planned them. Furthermore, I don’t think that what you are asking for is good for you, right now; I know a few things that you don't need to know right now.  Will you trust me, even if you do not understand?”

(sigh)  

(sigh, again) 

His soft voice searches the hesitant, doubting corners of my heart.

And I finally choose to trust Him, believing that He knows what is best for me and for those around me. 

It’s not easy. He never said it would be.

What about you? Do you have a hard time trusting the Lord when the path ahead seems to be uncertain, when life doesn’t make sense?

God "Nose" What I Need

A predicament? Initially, I didn’t think so.

Rather, I thought it was a series of unfortunate events.

After my teenage daughter experienced two gut wrenching episodes of kidney stone attacks in one week, one requiring a trip to the ER and the other a hospitalization for pain …

I fell out of bed and broke my nose.

It’s rather embarrassing, really – and sad.  What forty-seven year old mother falls out of bed?

I’m not sure what happened.

The last thing I remember before hitting the floor was saying to myself, “I am getting a headache.  I think I better get out of bed and make a pot of coffee.” 

Then the next thing I heard – felt – was a crunch across my face. 

I jumped up and ran to the bathroom sink, screaming, “I broke my nose! I broke my nose!”

My husband was gone. My children came running.  Visions of Marsha Brady getting hit with a football on an ancient episode of the Brady Bunch danced through my head.

With swollen nose, purplified (my word) eyes and an equally bruised ego, I slothed through the weekend, eventually finding myself in the operating room, under general anesthesia for a closed reduction of my nasal fracture.

It’s been one of those weeks.

In the midst of the chaos, I flipped through my Bible, searching for some encouragement.  Why was I feeling like God was distant? Wasn’t it enough that I was trying to help my daughter through a difficult time and care for the other children? Must the injury be to my face? (Why was I being so vain?)

The Lord brought me to Psalm 46:5 (NIV), “God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”

Not funny, Lord.  I know You have a sense of humor, but I’m not laughing. I fell at the break of day, and I broke my nose.   Were you there?

So, this is my predicament – will I trust God that He loves me or will I give up?

Will I see this as Holy Ground?  Has the Lord brought me to this place of humility in order to show me more of Him? Will I look for Him?  Will I trust Him? Will I slip of my sandals and face His radiance?

A friend posts on Facebook a note to me, “God ‘nose’ what you need.” 

Now, I laugh.  I choose to trust and wait and see what He has for me, knowing that He ‘nose’ just what I need.

What I See in Her is a Piece of Me

We pull out a puzzle, dumping the pieces on to the cool, hard concrete porch at the Villages of Hope Orphanage in Zambia, Africa.

Her fingers fiddled with the fragments, trying to figure out what to do next.

“Do you know how to start this, Mary?”

“No, Auntie. I do not, ”  she shares quietly.

“We start with the pieces that have a straight side.  They look like this. We’ll put them together, they are the outside, and then we’ll fill in the frame.”

We work silently.  She concentrates on the puzzle. I concentrate on her.

Her face serene reveals trust, not turmoil.

I marvel at her willingness to attach to me, a stranger. She sees me as her friend.  I am her friend.

Her tender spirit reveals a gentle soul, not contaminated by the world, and yet, having endured trials and tears unknown to me.

Her strength sturdy and yet fragile is evident.

I wonder about her life, her past,  her future.

I eventually break the silence and ask her questions about herself.

She likes the color yellow, her favorite thing to do is play hide and seek and to learn at school.  She hopes to be a nurse some day. Her favorite thing about God, “He saves me.”

It dawns on me.

What I see in her is a piece of me. 

A daughter of the king, fiddling with the pieces of life that God gives me, trying to figure out what is next, trusting Him for each day.

My heart connects to her. God does that work, drawing us together.

We finish the puzzle and admire it.  She is content.  I am blessed to know her.