I'm not particularly proud of it, and actually, even a bit embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I wish that I was more godly or more certain, but today, and in the days surrounding today, I'm not. I'm struggling, specifically, with God's faithfulness.
My challenge, though, isn't so much with if God is faithful. I really, truly, believe He is. He says He is, and I take Him for His Word.
It's the 'what' that has me wrestling. What does His -- will His -- faithfulness look like today and tomorrow and into a thousand tomorrows?
That's the part I'm not sure about, and well, I'm worrying about.
It's like there is a huge chasm between my belief that God is faithful and my embracing the hard-core, real life circumstances of what His faithfulness actually looks like.
Historically, January is a difficult month for me. Twenty years ago, our oldest child was born prematurely and eventually diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. And although I will tell you that I have seen God's faithfulness along the way, from where I'm standing today, I'm struggling with fearing what His faithfulness may look like for all the tomorrows.
I have friends struggling with the same question. If God is faithful (and He is), what might that faithfulness look like, and what is His faithfulness when ______________?
What does God's faithfulness look like in a marriage that is suffering? We claim His faithfulness when a marriage is restored, but is He any less faithful when the marriage struggles for years or falls apart?
What does God's faithfulness look like in a difficult and debilitating health situation that is not healed?
What does God's faithfulness look like in mental illness, when it is untreatable and the person struggles in and out of depression and anxiety for the rest of their lives?
What does God's faithfulness look like in the life of a child who walks away from the Lord?
What does God's faithfulness look like amidst people's wrong decisions that ripple out hurtful consequences, harming other people?
And, it's not just 'what may His faithfulness look like,' that weighs on me today, but the 'how then' that overwhelms me.
How then will I live in light of His faithfulness?
How then will I handle His faithfulness, when it doesn't look like faithfulness to me?
Questions and more questions echo off the walls of this chasm between what I believe and what it looks like to embrace the outcome of God's faithfulness.
And the echo seems to get louder and louder each day.
I'm not looking for pity or judgement (please don't do that to me), just sharing with you my honest questions. Maybe you have them, too, in which case, come walk with me. You are not alone. We can look for the Lord together.
Or maybe you've walked where I'm walking, and are now further down the road than I. Please call back to me and tell me that even if everything isn't 'okay,' I'll be okay. I know it's true in my head, but my heart is struggling to find rest.