I have a quote scribbled on a sticky note on my desk, “She who suffers most has most to give.” How true this is! Today, my sweet friend Morgan shares a short page of her story that reads like a novel of heartbreak and hope, and what she is learning of the Lord. She has a lot to give …
I have no memory of the little girl I once was—she grew up far too fast to have made any lasting impact on my memory. I don’t blame her. She needed to be strong; she needed to be tough; she needed to be protected and it was clear early on that no one was going to do it if she didn’t.
I grew up in a chaotic and unpredictable household. My dad was a military man who was either absent or full of rage. We preferred him to be absent, for when he was present he cursed at us, yelled at us and called us names.
My mom was an alcoholic who loved to party and that always seemed to get my dad going. When they went out for drinks, our time at home alone was like being in the eye of the storm -- it was very quiet. As we waited and watched for their return, we dreaded the inevitable outcome of his anger and abuse.
I wouldn’t dare close my eyes because I knew that when I heard the key hit the door the yelling would begin, intermingled with the sound of things breaking and crashing then the sound of my mom’s voice pleading for my father to “STOP.”
My sister and I would try to intervene, but we were just little girls.
He never stopped. The brokenness continued on and on – breaking things, breaking people, breaking hearts and shattering hope. Poverty, violence and neglect were part of our every day.
My biggest questions when I was a child were these —“Does anyone care about me at all? Does God even care? Or does He look on from above casually testing me to see how much I could handle?”
Later in college when I learned of Christ, I began to wonder where He had been there all those times. I echoed Martha and Mary’s cries to Jesus—“Lord, if you had only been here…” It wasn’t until several years later that I learned Who that Jesus is —He is the One Who weeps with me. He cares deeply about my grief and pain and enters into it with me -- to the point of tears.
Somewhere in the process of healing, I came across the little girl within me – the girl I once knew. She was shattered and swept under the rug, but as it turns out things can be unbroken – I am being unbroken.
I found the Answer to my questions and He is the Lover of my soul, my Refuge and Stronghold, mighty to save and rejoicing over me with singing – my Jesus.
Morgan Lueck is a singer and songwriter in Nashville, Tennessee. She is pursuing her masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. You can find a selection of her songs and poems on her blog Born To a Living Hope.
This series will be coming to an end soon. If you have a Little Girl Within story that you would like to share in order to encourage others, I would love to hear from you. Guidelines for submission are at the bottom of the post for the start of the series here.