Mixing Mortar?

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The clear, sweet voice of Amy Grant streamed out of the speakers of my radio, “Here I go, mixing mortar, for another wall to build.”  And as I listened, I could feel my heart ache, as the Lord lifted the veil from the wall building project I've been working on. 

It’s not that I mean to build a wall right now. Before you know it, I take the crumbled dust of my hurt and pain and  mix it with the water of my tears -- stirring, stirring, stirring and making mortar. 

The thing about wall building is – once you’ve built a wall, even if you’ve torn it down, it goes up much easier the second (and third and hundredth) time.  I guess you could say, we become rather “skilled” at it.  We pick up the bricks, slop a bit of mortar between them, and up the wall goes.

I’m not sure we even realize it most of the time.

It’s not like we intentionally pull out the trough and the trowel and get to it. It just happens.

So, today, I’m standing back and evaluating the wall that I’m building. 

I’m asking myself (and the Lord) some tough questions.

What triggered me?

Why do I feel vulnerable?

Why do I seem to need to try and protect myself right now?

Is what I am doing wise? Am I building a wall to “guard my heart” for good?

Or am I building a wall to keep others at a distance because I fear more rejection?

Is this wall helping me? Hurting me?  Or Hindering my relationship with others?

And – finally, and most convicting – am I trying to build a wall between the Lord and me?

So many questions. Not sure of the answers.

So, I’m going where I know that I can rest and search and see – to the Lord.  I’m stepping over the wall I started, and running in to His arms, trusting Him to help me.

Can you relate dear reader? May I pray?

Dear Lord, There is so much that we do not know about our hearts, but you do. You know what we think, how we feel and why we act the way we do. You know every detail of our lives. Help us, the ones who are prone to “building walls” to see the truth.  Remind us of Your truths.  Help us to see if we are being wise and “guarding our hearts” for good reasons, or if we are being overly self-protective. Thank you for your faithfulness.  Thank you for being ever present and entering in to our pain. Help us to bring glory to You in whatever we do.  In Jesus name I pray.  Amen.